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So...it's come to this. My beautiful wife is now hacking into my account because I have starved her of a post since April. Well, Now I'll make her happy and write a little something that will hopefully tide her over until after Christmas. You see I work in radio so the last thing I need to do when I get home is write about a life that I've just spent 7 hours talking about...but I love Kelly so let's do this....
Have you ever wondered if you could kill someone with your bare hands ? Last night when I got home from work there were two ratty looking teenagers sitting on the sidewalk in front of my house. I was on the phone with my friend Ben at the time and I mentioned the ratty little meatheads to him and he told me I should look out in case they try to knife me. I laughed because I thought I could rip their throats out since they resembled Ethiopians at a MISFITS concert and would pose no real threat to me. He laughed and bet me $50 that I couldn't even kill one of them with my bare hands. I didn't accept the bet, but I thought to myself..."Jerry, you would probably need a rock or something since you have a weak stomach and wouldn't be able to eat their faces or anything like that." By that time I was upstairs and mid-loaf in the bathroom. Then I started thinking about other stuff...like nuclear bombs and clowns.
Love,
Jer | | |
| I think Kelly's site, novelle361, is the best thing on Xanga EVER. In fact, I married her solely because of her awesomely fabulous Xanga. It makes me want to spend all day touching myself.
Her post today about becoming a football fan made me want to update just to make her happy. She's so amazing because she spends Sundays watching the Steelers. The least I could do was update my pathetic excuse of a Xanga just to bring a little joy into her otherwise boring Monday.
(In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is Kelly hacking in to Jerry's site.)
Encourage him to update, please! | | |
| I hate scary houses…Plain and simple. I grew up in a big old house, surrounded by big old houses and they never cease to freak me out. The stairs all creak, the trees give way for all the animals in the world to crawl around the roof, and let's face it...they just look creepy. I am also a big believer in spirits. Now, before you start picturing me at a Wicca meeting wearing a robe and chanting about the power of candle wax let me explain myself. I believe that when a person dies they leave behind a familiar presence. I truly believe that during certain times in my mother's house I can feel a presence that isn't there. I also feel that I never want to live in a house that is overrun with said presence...I hate old houses.
That is why when my friend insisted on me going with him to see the remake of "The Amityville Horror" I was reluctant. I was more than reluctant actually…I was a total pussy about it. After an hour of my manhood being put into question I caved…THAT WAS A MISTAKE!
That movie was by far the scariest movie I have ever seen in my life. I like action movies. I like when Rambo blows up a P.O.W. camp with grenades and when car chases turn into gigantic explosions involving 18 wheelers and a cruise ship. That’s what I enjoy…not little girls with bullet holes in their heads walking around big houses that look like that one’s on my street. What a pissa…
I have so much laundry in the basement to do before I go to New Orleans this week and do you think it’s getting done? NOT A CHANCE. This sissy boy has had his fair share of scary basements for one day thank you very much!
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| So, how sick have you gotten of the April Fools day entry. Frankly, I could have stood it for about another fifteen or sixteen minutes, but why not move onto bigger and better things. Like…
A question…You see, for some reason I got “Always on My Mind” stuck in my head, but it’s not the original version by Willie Nelson that I keep thinking of. It’s a sped up punked out version of it that I think I heard in the late 90’s. I have no idea why it’s haunting me now, but I want to hear it more than I can explain and I am going to toss out a line to see if anyone can assist me and that sing-a-long head of mine. I know a lot of you might say “Me First and the Gimmee Gimmees”, but I don’t think it’s by them. Who knows….I don’t know anything.
If you spend more than five minutes thinking about it then I have made this problem a pain in both our asses. That makes us friends!!! | | |
| I have herpes of the mouth and feet.
APRIL FOOLS!!!!
Cheesy way to start, but I’ve gotten your attention haven’t I? And that is what the best April Fools day gags do…They get people’s attention and sometimes scares the ding dongs out them as well. That’s why I hate the April Fools day jokes that are played out and just plain stupid. For instance…loosening the salt shaker lids, placing tacks on the office chair, and calling your parents with fake panic about your fake car wreck are ideas that haven’t just been done to DEATH…but aren’t very funny. When I was seventeen I put plastic wrap on the toilet and my dad pooped all over himself. Now that’s FUNNY!!! But even a winner like that has become old, tired, and mega-cliché. That is why I have come up with a list of a few April Fools Day gags that might make you the life of the proverbial party.
- Pull a knife on your co-workers and convince them that you know how to use it because you are one-eighth Mexican.
- Punch holes in the wall of your apartment and tell your landlord to eat your balls.
- Simply set yourself on fire and run around the office screaming “IT’S APRIL FOOLS, IT’S APRIL FOOLS!”
So, there you have it. A few fresh ideas on how to surprise the people you work with or to just plain end up in jail. Whatever makes you happiest. | | |
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